Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
So many bounce houses so little time
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
