I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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