If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
