Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It's rum buckets o'clock
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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