So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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