he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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