I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
we're making bets on your personal life
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
