P.S. I can't hear my feet
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
