i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
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I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
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Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
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