You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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