She is in my trunk
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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