It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
