she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
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nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
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My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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