Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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