Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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