so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
