Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
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I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
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Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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