That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
