either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
ok first of all what the fuck
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
