Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
