Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
