i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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