at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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