you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
well most of my day revolves around power hour
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
