why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
