this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
