You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
