I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
So much Jack, so little girl.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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