i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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