i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
