Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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