I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
