I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
