I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
