Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
