there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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