woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
