Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
