a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Randomize
