that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
