Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
