i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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