Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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