just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
