My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Randomize
