A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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