and you said cock pushups were impossible
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
