I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
