and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
