my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
