This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
