Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
